Date Fail #1

Although I'm a cynic to all things romantic, I decided I needed to branch out and do some dating. So I went on a date with Bashful.

Bashful's a good guy. He fits every little girl's checklist. And he'd make any momma very happy indeed.

Bashful took me to the zoo. A great idea except he was so quiet and didn't make any conversation except to mimic the noises the animals were making. Seriously. I don't understand "ooo ooo ahh ah". Is that monkey for "what are your passions in life"?

At dinner, the waitress looked between me and Bashful asking, "Together or separate?" He whispered, "I'll pay."
I really don't think the waitress was going to bit him or anything.

While I ate my swiss and mushroom burger with gusto, Bashful barely picked at his food. "Aren't you hungry?" I asked as I reached for my Coke. He poked a french fry with his fork but didn't look up.
"Not really."
I scrunch my eyebrows together thinking about how hungry I had been from walking throughout the zoo. I felt my eyes widen as a thought hit me. "Don't tell me that you're too nervous to eat!"
He still didn't look at me. I decided not to push the issue.

I pried words from him by asking him tons of questions. I found out that he owns a hedgehog named Mike, believes that traveling is walking from his bedroom to the living room, and that he lives in a glorified shack in his parents' backyard.

Yeah, he sounds like a keeper. I'll just need to erase "long talks on the beach" from my list of must-haves.

Intimidated Men

someone explain to me why headstrong and confident women are so intimidating to men.

"good morning"

Why in the world do people wish each other "good morning"? It makes no sense. Honestly, it's not like we don't know it's morning--after all, morning came to us by either a nagging mother or a yelling alarm clock. Not pleasant. So don't you wish me a good morning! Anyway, I know it's morning so let's quit with the obvious.

sheesh.

If love is so great, why does it hurt so much?

a word from Ms. Hilde

people like sweet.
i'm not that.
...
probably why i'm not married/engaged/dating
...
i got ice princess down pretty well.
i specialize in this facade.

via

is it just me or is it getting hotter in here?
one more friend married.
one more friend engaged.
they're dropping like flies.
(who ever came up with that phrase anyways? why don't we say...they're pairing up like the animals in Noah's ark...they're disappearing like tasty candies...meh. they're dropping like flies)

i fell out of a window and hit my head.
the headache hasn't left me
this must be love.

gotta love those good-intentioned-meddlers
who
think that you must want to be married
(any single man of large fortune must be in want of a wife)
after all, marriage is bliss (right?)
so
do you want to come hang out
on Thursday night?
There are a lot of really good guys (and gals, of course)

oh. cool.
i have - um - golf lessons during that time.
but (no) thanks.

a room full of engineers is worse than a group of old gossipy women

Wig Modeling

This old guy tells me I'm brain dead.
Me: ?????excuse me????? you are joking, right? RIGHT?

Then, he compliments my hair because it covers my lack of brain activity.
Me: ??????




And now, I'm left at a loss of how to interact with the male species. My stellar responses to this man's insult/compliment only validate his claim. Suh-weet. Maybe I'll take up wig modeling since I need good hair to cover up the deadness of my brain.

Teen Romance

Teenagers.
They always think they've found their true love within the first five minutes of setting eyes on a strapping (or should I say scrawny) young man. He walks into the cafeteria abdominal muscles tight and arms bulging. Teenage girl swoons as he walks past. The girl has just fallen in love with his ego.
Beautiful.
Usually, I hate spring. I hate it with all the budding flowers and the cutesy little couples coming out from the wood work. Where did they all come from? The girls staring into the guys' eyes trying to find themselves.
Well, guess what, Honey! You won't be finding any of yourself in his eyes! He'll be to busy looking at his own reflection in your eyes. Nothing for you there.

Teenage love. Puke in my mouth. Bane of my Spring and scorn of my winter. They can just go make goo-goo eyes at each other through sunglasses and they can go slobber on each other at Niagara Falls (I think that equates about how much drool occurs).

Of course, if you are some lame-o and you like that kind of cutesy thing, you should probably enter this giveaway for a free copy of Voyance, a teen fiction novel.

Exercise

While I race around chucking stones at geese and missing horribly, a couple canoodles nearby watching as "that poor single girl" chases geese.

For your information -- oh, canoodling couple -- I will keep my goose-chasing-days.

The Cynic's Sanctuary

Apparently, someone has come up with the wonderful idea of creating a sanctuary for the cynics. Really? Are we that few that we'd require a place of asylum? Or are we just that crazy?

This site has a list of 714 Things to be cynical about. I say they add one more.

715. lists of things to be cynical about

a guy of gargantuan size zooms by on a motorcycle that growls its presence. why is that okay?

"Dude, do you really think you're B.A.? So you're going to prove it to the world by driving an uber loud motorcycle that can't even survive your muffin top. Have a nice day."

Odious Men

The other day would have been just fine if wasn’t for men. Yes, I was dressed nicely, but not like a slut. Honestly, I was minding my own business and having a nice dinner with my father. So I’m sitting there and I glance at my father and catch a man in the next booth over looking at me. His eyes burned into me. At first, I just looked away hoping that he wasn’t looking at me like a piece of meat. I tried to enjoy the meal.

This man sat with his family. His beautiful wife desperately tried to manage the children while her husband mentally molested another woman (and people wonder why I’m bitter towards men). Sitting there, I felt sick to my stomach. How dare this dork of a human being sit with his family while subjecting another woman to his odious stare.

Sure to be wanted is thrilling, but to be undressed by a man’s eyes while he sits with his family (wife and three kids) is repulsive. Sadly, I didn’t castrate him. All I did was leave the restaurant.

How to Snag a Guy

You want a guy? You need focus. Know what you want. Get what you crave. The rules are simple. Follow them and get the guy. Happy hunting, ladies! World, here comes the control freaks

Prowl around your work area, favorite restaurants, and/or coffee shops. If you have a favorite hobby, check out the single men in that venue. For example, if a woman loves reading, she will sit in a corner with her favorite book - not turning a page – in search of the one. Of course, finding one in the midst of the possible male attractions might be difficult so she’d better watch her expectations especially if she forgets which is reality…the book or the bookstore. With careful precision, this woman spots a man with good physique and a good taste in books. She stalks him with her eyes.

Once the man has been spotted, the time has come for some subtle aka hardcore flirting action. It’s imperative that the woman catches the man’s eye. Some may suggest wearing colorfully revealing clothes, slowly insinuating yourself into his group of friends, and talking to him at every chance that you get. Be a more exaggerated version of yourself obnoxious – strike 1. Make sure that you cuddle up to him every chance that you can needy – strike 2. Play with your hair while coyly glancing at him old school – strike 3 – you’re out.

Now, the man is obtainable. Be sweet and demure. However, allow him times to chase you. A guy likes to be able to woo a woman. Be chase-able. This doesn’t mean that you don’t have any control of the situation. Remember, you are the prize. Therefore, show the guy that you find him attractive, but make sure that you allow him to lead the chase as much as possible. Don’t call him, but entice him to call you. Be hard to get and never gotten.

First, stalk the guy.

this is key to getting that restraining order.

Second, bat those big eyelashes.

he won’t think you have Tourrette’s.

Third, chase him.

Nothing screams hot like chasing a guy.

Fourth, be dateable and real.

really? Don’t you think fake is attractive?

Fifth, coyly suggest marriage.

Better yet, just propose.

Last, sleep with him.

Good, he has no reason to marry you. So if he does marry you, he must love you or you’re one heck of a manipulative control freak.

Ladies, this is the way to snag a man. Sleep with the guy, and pull him along. Bat your eyelashes and play coy. Snagging men will become like second nature to you. To all your girlfriends, do not forget to call these men your “boy toys.”

GrrrLOVe

When one is in love, one always begins by deceiving oneself, and one always ends by deceiving others. That is what the world calls a romance. ~Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray

Love is only a dirty trick played on us to achieve continuation of the species. ~W. Somerset Maugham, A Writer's Notebook, 1949

Dear Insensitive-Self-Focused World,

Honestly, what kind of world do we live in. You walk through a college campus and not one person acknowledges your presence. Oh, yeah, it's good to be alive today - not. It's as though I am completely invisible. No one sees me unless they want to. I want to be seen all the time!
What kind of world is this? Self-focused. Little children do not belong in places of death. Hey, did you here that? You kill a child even by accident and I'm thinking you should probably just go jump off a cliff. Okay, maybe not. You probably already feel like poop from a donkey's butt.
Why is it all right for people to ignore others who are obviously having problems? Guys ignore other guys that are dealing with issues. It's like they have some sort of disease and it's catching. HARDLY! Girls avoid girls who seem to be a little off - a little too emotional - a little too needy. What the F?
Insensitivity.
What happens when you become that person? Will anyone see you? Hope away. Of course, this is all hypothetical so it's not real, right? Well, what happens what hypothetical meets reality?
You'll be alone.
You didn't take a moment to see anyone else.

Have fun being alone.

The word love...
is so powerful that once a guy says it
they have total access to a girl's heart...
but no matter how many times a girl says it
she can't stop them from leaving with it...
~Anonymous

Love is like a roller coaster when
it's all over you throw up
~Brooke

They say to follow your heart, but how can you when it is blinded by love.
-Anonymous

compliments of:
http://www.angelfire.com/me2/bitter4u/quotes.html

"I do not want people to be agreeable, as it saves me the trouble of liking them"
~ Jane Austen